Helpful tips
Beware anyone who tries to give you a scratchcard, you WILL win a prize ! and one of you will win the star prize !!!!.......of course you will have to sit through a 2 hour presentation to get it ! avoid these like the plague, they are schemes to part you from your money !
You will be offered more reeeeeeaallll Rolexes than ever before! Need I say more. No need to be rude to him/them. Just say no with a smile, or, "No, Its our holiday, we don`t want to know what time it is. We don`t wear watches." (show him your watchless arm.) You might have to repeat it a couple of times, but sooner or later, Rolex-man will laugh, maybe very loud, and walk away.
Here's some stuff that made us laugh - we hope you like it too....
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.
Oh and...... Only in Britain... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... Do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... Do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... Are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
(We might be British but hell we've got a sense of humour!!)
Life’s basic philosophies
When weeding, the best way to make sure you
are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something you’ve lost is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians – the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who is the fool who said,
“Quit while you’re ahead?”
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Get the last word in: apologise.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use
the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospital dying of
nothing.
If you’re feeling blue, start breathing again.
Take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you £200 and a substantial tax
cut saves you 30p?
ONE careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start
a barbecue.
Why, Why, Why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
One more thing...